Ignorance Kills Me

Gotta Catch Up

2004-10-22T08:58:00.000-04:00

Schools been keeping me really busy. Well that and my ex gf/my best friend. :) I love her. There is this horrid commercial running on tv right now about what they do when they shot bears. Apparently they shot them in the body to wound them and let them suffer until they die. HOW HORRID IS THAT?! I think its barbaric. They should be shot and just left like that. Horrible people. Jesus. I think we should let bears run rampant. Then they can come out and eat us all. Its better then us just killing eachother off. Right?! Alright anyways. After Im done this Im going to go noting again. Only one person notes me back. And he hasnt in a while. You people tend to suck.
I havent had the chance to update lately. Not between going to school mad crazy, with HORRID amounts of homework. And taking quite a bit of time to spend with my best. Her and I are getting closer. Its very cute. lol. Here I go with the pussy bit. ::kills self:: Apparently we have a party to go to tomorrow. I cant wait. Should be rad. My ex still hasnt backed off. Even after that little noting stunt. She called a million times and apologized. Well she calls a million times everyday. I really hate her. I only talk to her because I know she has no other friends. But I havent hung out with her lately. That is a good thing. Longs I talk to her. Then she will feel like she has a friend. Dammit. Of course its pissing my best off. I cant blame her. I dont want to deal with her, why would my friend?
Oh well. At least her and I are doing good :) Im really NOT sure where it is going to end up. But thats ok. Ill just go with the flow of it all.
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Why Does It Have To Be Weird?

2004-10-11T01:59:00.000-04:00

Alright so we did it. As I wrote in here before. But now it just seems weird. Its like she has things to say, she just doesnt say it. I want it to happen again. Not right now obviously. But again. I dont want to do it to much, like our problem was before. But I do want to do it. If it can work. If we can be friends and have sex, I think it will be good. I hope she feels the same.
This weekend sucks lol. I have no one to hang with. My Best and I want to hang, its just been slightly akward. Or however you spell it. Its just been plan out fucking weird. Someone tell me where to go from here?
My ex is bothering me. You would think from the way Ive talked about her in here, and I KNOW she reads this, she wouldnt want anything to do with me. But no, thats not the case. She keeps having these dramatic situations come up that calls my attention. She called me the other night telling me she had swallowed these pills or whatever. Well she came to my house and stayed. Of course that didnt go over well with my Best. She was a little pissed. I think she fears Im cuddling her and giving her love and things like that. But I dont cuddle her. I dont plan on having sex with her, and a relationship with others. She is my best, and I love her too. Maybe I should cuddle her and things. Not just use her for sex. (Note to readers, Im NOT using her. But Im aware thats how it could appear.) I should try it. Either way, my ex demands a lot of my attention. I should just cut that bitch lose.
Im tired. Holy crap. Night!
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If Only For A Little While

2004-10-09T01:27:00.000-04:00

Alright... I talked to her. >.< It was a relativly embarassing conversationg. She wants to have sex. I want to have sex. So I guess that means we've had sex?! lol. It was nice. Its been I believe, 3-4 months since weve had sex. So this was nice. But I want write to much about it lol. I love my best friend. I dont want to date her, not right now anyways... give me several months. And she doesnt want to date me. I dont know if she means ever, or right now. It doesnt matter.
My grandmas birthday celebration went well. It was nice watching her face light up and such. I felt all good inside for doing something nice for her lol.
We have monday off from school which will be nice, because I need it off. School is so stressful. I swear I bitch like a female. Must be all the females Ive grown up with. My mom, my aunt, my grandmother. My dad died when I was really little, its sad I know, but I cant miss someone I never knew you know? But life has definatly been different being raised by females.
Im tired, so Im going to go. I have a long day tomorrow. Shit. :-p
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Been A Little While

2004-10-05T19:15:00.000-04:00

I havent wrote in a while. Been real busy. My Best friend(Tiff who is also my ex) is giving me fits. I find her attractive, and I want to have sex with her. I just am not sure if thats what she wants. How do I go about finding out? I dont want to date her. Not right now. I know that she knows that. I just want to have sex with her. Shes cool shit. Ive loved hanging with her but I havent had to much time to hang out lately. But when we do its really nice. Ive been looking for someone like her, happy, and sweet, and giving all in one. But I still dont want to date her right now. I dont want to have the whole "friends with benefits" either. I just want to be friends, and maybe, occasionally have sex. I dont think there would be anything wrong with that. Weve been friends for almost 6 years. I think. Dont know exactly how long. But I dont think it would mess anything up. My ex has been stalking me. Shauna needs to get a life. Im going to change my number lol.
Ive been busy with my family. We are getting ready to have a big party for my grandmother. She is going to be 80. Lucky her. LOL, Ill fucking pass thanks. I dont want to turn 80. Please let me die before then. Shes a great woman for all the shit shes been through. Shes had a hard life. Believe it or not, shes even had a drug and alcohol problem. Can you imagine? Most people that age dont deal with those things. Shes had an amazing life. A husband found and lost during the same war. Still to this day she wears her wedding ring. A strong woman. If I loved someone as much as she did him, Im not sure I could survive. She told me part of the reason suicide wasnt an option for her is because it was so frowned on. Im glad she didnt. I need her. lol :)
No one has been noting me. I note all these people, and they all just leave me hanging. What the hell?!
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Feeling Kinda Better

2004-09-27T10:29:00.000-04:00

Im not so blah today. My muscles dont hurt. My heart does. lol... such a pussy. So I broke up with my girlfriend. Well it was mutual actually. She didnt like me anymore. I never liked her to begin with. It works. Im not sure where to go from here. Its hard being friends with my ex.
I dunno if Ive mentioned it, but Jeff, this dude on here, him and I have a lot in common lol. He was telling me how he is attracted to his ex, but he thinks they would be better friends. Well I thought about it. I think we are good friends. But... we dont have friend feelings. We are good at pretending though. I KNOW she doesnt have friend feelings. She just acts for me. Cause she knows thats what I told her I wanted. But Im so attracted to her.
I dont have "just friend" feelings. I love her. Im attracted to her. Im comfortable and happy when Im around her. I know the longer I make her pretend she doesnt have feelings for me, the more fucked up things are going to be. They are already fucked up. wtf. The only difference between now and when we were dating is this: we arent having sex. I know we are happier with eachother because I had to deal with a lot of issues. Issues I dont really want to discuss with strangers. Thank you. But other then that. We have a relationship beyond friendship. We always have. Weve never been just friends. It will never happen either.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Can guys scream? Well I just did. I dont know what to do. I spend time with her, and I think wow I am really having a good time. Then I realize how different it is from a normal friendship. I cant explain it. You wouldnt understand if I did. Now that I am actually ENJOYING myself, I want to enjoy EVERYTHING! Alright so Im a male and I want to have sex. Whats the big deal. I already know a problem we had was to much sex. But if I had sex with her, Id know not to have TO much. Maybe I dont even want sex. Maybe I just want the basics. Start with the basics right? We slept together once, as friends. I wanted to cuddle her. I didnt want to scare her. I dont know WHAT to do.
No one understands. wtf...
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Sick Sick Sick

2004-09-25T08:50:00.001-04:00

Hey guess what? Im sick. Yay! God I hate alergies they kick my ass all the time. I havent even been able to get out of bed much. I hate my self sometimes lol. So this is going to be short. Not much going on. Cat Fight. Im in the middle of my gf and best friends fight. Thats fun...not. Fucking a I wish my gf would just leave my ex alone. Maybe I should stick up for my friend, but I think she does an ok job doing that herself. Weve hung a couple of times. But Ive been so sick its been crappy ya kno? Not hanging out, just nothing to do. We went to the movies, saw King Arthur. Well she did. I watch the back of my eyelids. I had taken benedryl, and I fell asleep. Opps. I felt bad.
I dont want to talk bout her to much. My girlfriends been reading this. Stupid bitch. Why cant females just behave? I dont understand it. She knows I like my ex again. Why doesnt she just get over it? Or dump me. Thats what Im waiting for. You got that Shauna? DUMP ME! But the bitch just hangs on for dear life. She is a horribly rude person. Shes all pissy cause my ex and I have actually been having a good time. Her and I... no we dont have a good time. Unless of course we are doing what she wants. They are right. If the bitch aint happy, aint no one happy. Kill me.
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Ok For Today

2004-09-22T13:30:00.000-04:00

Alright, well so far today everything is going ok. My ex is still mad at me. Well not at me, at my gf. Shes being a pain in the ass and treating my friend sorely. I guess its time to step up and say something. Confrontation isnt my thing. But my friend agreed to go to the movies with me. Sometime between tomorrow and this weekend. Im not sure what we are going to see. Ill let her pick. Perhaps that will make her happy.
Did anyone hear that WWE is coming to Portland? It was announced on tv this morning. Cool huh? I dont think Ill be able to go. My current girlfriend hates EVERYTHING I do... the only games she is willing to play with me is an xbox or something. And they are games of her choice. This guy hates sports. So why am I dating someone who loves them? Can I be honest? I think Im desprate. I think I dont want to be alone.
I know I dont have to be alone. I can go back to my ex. I want to win her over first. I thought of something else today. Something we could fix. Sometimes I have to be willing to change. Change the small things. Im not talking BIG things, such as pretending I like jazz when really I like hardcore shit. But small things. Trying not to be SO bossy. Trying to understand a little more. Trying to be more honest. I used to lie to her. Not all the time. She begged me to be honest with her near the end. I never realized women actually wanted honesty. But they want it.
They want to know when your annoyed with them. They want to know when they have done something wrong. They want to know when something goes wrong. They want to know what we think and feel too. Imagine that. Sorry that sounds sexist. But I dont mean it to be. Its just nice knowing a woman doesnt REALLY want use to hold it back. Well... this woman anyways. I dunno about all ya'lls. I know my gf gets bitchy if I try to point things out to her that are wrong. My ex used to get upset when I did, but she got over it, and she respected that I told her even though it did upset her. I was reading someones diary, and they were saying how insecure his now ex was, and how she acted based on that insecurity. Sometimes you honestly need to put your foot down and say, look I know this is a problem, but there is nothing I can do about it, can we PLEASE stop talking about it. She may get angry, she maybe insulted, but you have stated what you feel and need. Like this guy said. You cant be the savior.
Im not as smart as this all sounds lol. I got all of this from my ex. This is stuff she wanted, and I never knew she did. I never knew I could go to her and tell her when I was irritated with her, or when she made me mad. I thought it was best to hold it in. But that wasnt the case. She always ended up bearing it in the end, cause I would get so mad I would get SEMI violent. Im not an abuser. I never have been. I just didnt know how to handle it.
Sometimes remembering the things I did makes me feel like a complete ass. Other times I know they wouldnt have happend if I had been honest. She wants honesty. I want to be honest. It works.
Honesty is the best policy
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Solutions Solutions Solutions

2004-09-21T13:55:00.000-04:00

So, On the previous topic of this dumb ass blogger thing... My Ex. Ive decided several things. Several important things. Solutions. Decisions. All the things important. Why am I starting this off as if its an essay? Dur... wtf. Alright so here are some things Ive thought about.
My EX and I are MEANT TO BE TOGETHER. I know this because we always end up back together. We broke up twice because I was a pussy. (I have Paranoia problems and I tried not to get to close) Then this last time I wanted to see other people. Part of me wants her to wait for me while I figure out what I need to. Part of me wants to just go back to her. Part of me wants to stay friends for now, and go back later.
Solutions to our problems. One problem we had was that we annoyed eachother, and we picked at eachother. We drove eachother insane. I wasnt exactly nice to her. I treated her like shit. HOWEVER, she did treat me close to the same. I just had the tendancy to get more physically violent. But I never MEANT to hurt her. Its just how it happend. So how do we cure this issue? We dont spend so much time togehter. We basically lived together, and we never went anywhere and did anything. We never hung out with our friends. We have to take time away from eachother. And when we are together, now that I have a license, we can go out and do things. We need to do things. It wasnt good for us to just sit there together all the time. No wonder why we picked at eachother.
The whole sex thing. You have no idea. I dont even want to HAVE to complain about sex. But I have to. It took us a couple of years to have sex. Which was nice in some ways, cause I used to have sex with all my gfs right from the start. But once we did start having sex, thats all it was. Sex. We didnt cuddle anymore, we didnt do anything else together. Just sex. It got to the point where I didnt even want to have sex anymore. I wasnt even really attracted to her anymore. But now when we hang out as friends, I am attracted to her again. So the solution... More Cuddling, Less Sex. I dont mean schedual sex. I just mean its ok to go a week give or take a few days, without having sex. Its also ok to make it kinky. Sex the same exact way all the time... god thats a real killer. Its also ok to just have foreplay sometimes. Mess around, but not have sex. Thats ok to.
Right now though, I just want to be friends with her. For a little while anyways. I want her to respect me and trust me again before I even ATTEMPT to have a relationship with her again. Shes not really happy with me anyways because my current girlfriend pissed her off by calling her names and insulting her and shit. Women suck. Sometimes. Im just a firm believer in this relationship. After four years, we should be able to fix it and make it. We are going to end up together. Regardless of how long it takes. We keep going back to eachother, thats a good sign.
Ahhhh... isnt it females that are suppose to worry about this shit? I mean fuck, men arent SUPPOSE to be the ones graveling and needing.
Four years though. Im willing to work for it.
On to happier things shall we? I want to go to the movies. See IROBOT. Or something else. Maybe Ill see what my friend wants to see. Get in some quality time with her. She needs it, shes really feeling down about everything. Well everything with me anyways. I want to show her I want her. But I want to show her I just need a little time before we can go back together. I want to keep her around. I dont want to lose her. It makes me cry (yes grown men cry) to think of not having her. I dont want my gf's rudeness, and cattyness to push her away. I dont think she knows it, but if it came down to it, Id choose her over my gf. I dont want to end up with a girlfriend that I KNOW isnt going to last, and have no friend. But I dont want her to know that. I dont want her to think she has that much control lol.
What happend to happier things? LOL!! Such things are happy for me. It makes me happy to think about her. She said it makes her sad to think about me. Shes going with me to get a new tattoo soon. Im getting a monkey all beefed up and shit. I love it. My friend made it for me, so no one will have one like it. I have to go. Im talking to much. Dammit. Everything about me is feminine!
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Huge Problems on the Horizon

2004-09-18T20:27:00.000-04:00

Alright Im having girl problems lol. Im not sure how many guys actually rant about their chics but here it goes.
I want my ex back. I want to get back with her. But at the sametime I want to see other people. Weve tried the friends with benefits and it just didnt work. We almost hated eachother by the end. But I love her. More then anything. I want her back. I want to see other people. What am I suppose to do? Weve spent a long time going back and forth back and forth. We broke it off this last time cause I wanted to see other people. But I want her. I hang out with her now, cause we are trying to be friends, and I just realize that I want her back. My current "somewhat girlfriend" doesnt do it for me. I mean she does. But she doesnt. Im seriously confused. Because I know if I get back with her things with be perfect. If we can do things right this time. Not be obsessive and dumb. We had a lot of problems when we were together. I never thought I would say this... men shouldnt even have to feel this... but to much sex. I lost my drive in the end.
So what would I do if I got back with her. I DONT HAVE A FUCKING CLUE! Spend less time with her then we did. We could go to parties, she likes to party. We could hang out with other people. Right now I dont hang out with to many people. 5 or 6 different people. But she knows lots of people. Sex... not for a while. And once we start doing it, do it in different ways, and not so often. Cuddle. I want to cuddle her. I dont want to only cuddle her before we have sex. Thats what I used to do. I never thought I would ask for LESS sex. Did you? I feel weird. How do I get her back? How do I dump my current girlfriend and get her back? My "gf" is a dumb ass immature bitch. She is everything I hate. Why am I dating her?
Tips for guys reading this: Less sex, more cuddling. To much sex leads to a dull sex life eventually. Dont spend your waking minutes together.! Holy fuck, I think we spent everyday together. More then that maybe. And we didnt do anything. Just sat around. I just got my license about... 2-3 weeks ago. License is important. You can go do stuff.
Anyone know what Im talkin about here? I dont want to lose her. I want her back. How do I become ok with just one person? WHY do I need to see other people? wtf is wrong with me? I love her. Help!
Ok, I noted about 20 sum people, and no one noted me back. Whats up with that?
I hung out with my friend today. It was great. He called me a nigger. I was in hysterics. I thought it was hillarious. (Im white and I dont mean to offend people) But it was so funny because hes christan and he looked at me and he goes "you kno what PK, your a dumb ass nigger" And Im thinking, Im white. You said Dumb ass AND you said Nigger. Not very christianly if you ask me eh? I pert near pissed myself. lol. :) Gotta love those christans. Sellf rightious sonsabitchs. Im gonna jet to bed. Im to bored to stay awake. Blessed sleep. Is it just me or can everyone else turn their sleep on and off? I love it. I can sleep anytime I want to.

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Oh by the way, I figured out how to put music on the site. I picked one of my favorite songs. Ill change it soon. But if anyone wants to IM me just because they can, that would be alright.
Aim:PKdisgruntled

Hmmmm

2004-09-17T11:03:00.000-04:00

I cant figure out how to put music on this page. Thats getting to be very very frustrating. I spent a lot of time on it last night... but it was a no go. Oh well. Ill find someone that knows how to do it. If you know how... my AIM name is: PKdisgruntled
I realize now that I spelt my name wrong on here. I spelt it disgruntaled... *slap*... oh well not that big of a deal. Makes me an illiterate poet. :) Talk to you later! Probably tonight. Who knows!
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Welcome to the Real World

2004-09-16T20:58:00.000-04:00

This is my first post. Im not sure how this will work. I have never used one before. Who knows. Perhaps I will like it. Perhaps I will hate it so much I will want to take a fork and pull out my eyes. Anything is possible. I want to learn HTML for this site so I can screw around with it. That would be mega cool. I live in Maine. I didnt include that in my descriptoion. Good ol southern maine. The people hear are wanna be blacks/hicks. Can you imagine the two mixed together? What a tragedy. This whole state is a tragedy. Im moving soon. I cant imagine being here any longer then I have to be. Some people are just moronic. Alright, so a little about me.
I love music. Its a passion. I write poetry/music. Well I write what is intended to be music, and it always ends up a poem. But hey... I dig it. So rock on. I love Comedy too. Git Rr Done! Anyways, Im not sure what I want to be if and when I do grow up. But I know I cant make much of myself here. This isnt a place I want to be all my life. I love my family. Regardless of the pain in the ass they can be. Cant we all though? I wont be around them forever, so I can manage for now. Im single. I choose to be. Waiting for the right one. Im good at giving advice. Have a problem need some help? Come to me I love to listen and I love to help. Sometimes I give advice without permission. Thats alright. If you dont like what I say, just let it go.
Well Im going to go for now. Ill write more again later. Tomorrow maybe. Im going to find people to note to. YeHa! :)
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